The Hidden Secret of Self Love: Self-Trust

How is self-love created?

I’m sure you’ve noticed the modern obsession with self-love and self-compassion. While the principle itself is not without merit– we should all love ourselves more – capitalism has piggybacked off of this desperate attempt to mani-pedi the hate out of ourselves and massage the negative self-talk away. These hedonistic endeavors, masquerading under the guise of 'self-care,' serve as little more than an elaborate diversion, all the while robbing us of an intimate connection with our inner being. While the glamourous trend has evolved from an all-out “treat yourself” day to the simple practice of self-reflection through journaling, one problem remains.

Those peddling self-love, in their well-meaning but misguided zeal, have neglected to address one of the fundamentals of love—trust. 

How can we truly love if we do not first trust? Trust is part of any healthy relationship, even the one we have with ourselves, and self-trust is the cornerstone upon which the edifice of self-healing must be constructed. No matter how many self-help coaching programs tell you to repeat positive affirmations while staring at yourself in the mirror, the words “I love you”, might ring hollow. That doesn’t mean you should abandon the practice entirely, but if you’re anything like me and it has felt disingenuous, it might be worth taking a closer look at the fundamentals instead of relying on the puzzling strategy of feigning conviction until it materializes.

The Formation of Trust

There is an inextricable link between our internal landscape and our external relationships. While counterintuitive, developing a trusting relationship with oneself requires the involvement of other people. The basis of self-trust is rooted in our early experiences of trusting others. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist who was best known for his attachment theory, outlined that when we are children the experiences we have with our primary attachment figures serve as the architects of our "internal working model”. The internal working model is the framework through which we interpret the world and our place within it. This internal schema, a veritable blueprint of the self, delineates not only our identity, who we are, and what we are, but also our expectations of others. A strong ‘internal working model’ is characterized by an unwavering belief in one's worthiness and inherent right to be loved. It also establishes a belief that others can be seen as reliable, responsive, and nurturing. In essence, it is the bedrock upon which both self-trust and interpersonal trust are built.

As we transition from childhood to adulthood, the locus of our "secure base" shifts from our caregivers to ourselves, our environment, and our intimate circle.

The relationship we forge with ourselves and those we hold dear forms a symbiotic dance, each influencing and reinforcing the other in an intricate tapestry of feedback loops. These loops, much like a double-edged sword, possess the power to either corrode or fortify trust. 

As an example, if someone grew up with caregivers who treated love and affection as conditional commodities, the child quickly learned to modulate their behavior. The resulting parental approval would serve to reinforce the notion that self-abnegation and accommodation of others were the keys to feeling loved. As the pattern persists into adulthood,  the suppression of one's desires becomes the hallmark of their relationships. In a misguided attempt to foster intimacy, they defer to others in matters of decision-making, valuing external approval over their judgment. This erosion of self eventually becomes an intolerable burden to their friends and loved ones, leading to withdrawal and reinforcing the conditional nature of affection. As abandonment fear grows, so does the individual's self-effacement, culminating in a profound disconnection from their desires, needs, and aspirations. Thus, the cycle perpetuates itself, leaving in its wake a trail of fractured relationships and a profound loss of trust in both self and others. 

If this is feeling a little too close to home, don’t worry, you’re in good company and the pattern can be interrupted. While the self is shaped through social interactions, we are active participants in its construction and deconstruction. Self-trust can be developed through healthy interpersonal experiences and altering individual tendencies. New experiences and patterns of adaptation can produce trusting, supportive, and nurturing feedback loops. 

The Self in Self-Trust

Michel de Montaigne, a French Renaissance philosopher, was known for his commitment to self-examination, seeking to unravel the threads of his inner nature and, in doing so, illuminate a broader understanding of the human experience. He observed that “The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” 

What would it be like to feel utterly at ease within the confines of your being?

To build self trust you must start with the self. Take a moment and answer the following questions honestly. How do you feel about spending time with yourself? Do you greet introspection as an old friend or shrink from it as if from an unwelcome guest? What does sitting with you feel like? And when the cacophony of distractions fades and you can no longer evade your own presence, what truths emerge in the silence?

Perhaps the thought of such solidarity is making your hands sweat. Rest assured, there are gentle ways to wade into the opaque waters of your inner being. Self-love demands not only deep self-examination but also a commitment to personal accountability. Your body continually communicates subtle signals, inviting you, urging you, to trust both yourself and your intuition. By listening, you lay the groundwork for love.

Deciphering the Nuances: States of Being 

If you’re new to building self-trust, it’s best to start small – with the simple act of observation.. Start by observing your internal states, from activated to calm. Get curious about your experiences, the causes, the sensations, the thoughts, your energy, your connection to others, the emotions surrounding them and so on. 

At some point or another, I’m sure you have experienced feeling dysregulated, triggered, stuck, or ‘off’. We all hit a rocky patch at some point in life. People rarely go to therapy when everything is going right. Usually, they come to work with me because there are relational issues, unaddressed trauma, grief, or symptoms of depression and anxiety. These are all legitimate reasons to seek help because sometimes when left to their own devices, these heavy emotional problems can balloon, skyrocketing in their intensity. 

Negativity bias tells us that adverse events cast longer shadows over our psyche than their positive counterparts. You may find your mind gravitates towards the well-worn path of discontent rather than the sunlit avenues of gratitude. So as you start observing the self, notice how often you veer toward the road most traveled. 

Pay equal attention to states of tranquility. If your ultimate hope is to find solace within yourself, you must become intimately familiar with the sensations of calm. 

It is easy to focus on what isn’t going wrong in an effort to alter or eradicate the problem, but this singular focus is insufficient and could even stall healing. Most therapy models rely on theories of psychopathogenesis, a “fixing what is broken” approach. But resilience is an innate human capacity, and new neuroscience research is discovering that this adaptive capacity is integrated into the functioning of our species.

We are wired to heal.

Observing your internal experience and getting curious will be the unlocked door to self-responsiveness. As you become more attentive to your experience you will build trust. You deserve someone taking an interest in you, even if that person is yourself.

(For those who have experienced trauma, observing your internal experience, coming in contact with emotions, or connecting to your body might feel incredibly unsafe, and reading your body's signals might be a foreign concept. When You feel triggered or activated by certain events you may notice your nervous system hijacks your prefrontal cortex (ability to reason) and you lose connection to your body becoming flooded and overwhelmed. If your body is reacting in a way that is different than you want, you might benefit from support as you explore your inner workings. I highly recommend doing this work with the help of a mental health professional to ensure you don’t push yourself outside your window of emotional tolerance.)

Deciphering the Nuances: Body Signal Signposts

As you awaken to your inner experience you can forge an intentional connection between body and mind through movement. Movement, in all its myriad forms, serves not merely as a means to productivity or the attainment of fitness goals, but as a gateway to pleasure and holistic well-being.

From a pragmatic standpoint, the act of movement offers a unique opportunity to familiarize oneself with the subtle language of bodily sensations. As you shift and rouse your body you may become acutely aware of a myriad of signals—a muscle's tension, the quickening of your heart's rhythm, the encroachment of fatigue, or the subtle disquiet of your digestive system. In this way, one begins to decipher the body's cryptic messages and respond to its unspoken needs.

Consider the aftermath of a vigorous run. The following day, as your limbs protest with a dull ache, you might choose to respond by stretching. As your fingertips reach towards your toes, you encounter resistance and discomfort, yet in the denouement of this act, you perceive a palpable sense of elongation and relaxation in your musculature. This responsive paradigm extends beyond the physical realm, encompassing the emotional and cognitive spheres of our being. The pangs of sorrow and heartache may beckon for the solace of a hug, while the spiraling tendrils of anxious rumination might invite the soothing balm of deep, meditative breathing.

The more you attune to yourself and invest in your needs the easier it will be to trust that you will take care of yourself. Amid our fast-paced society, where productivity and urgency are nipping at our heels, bypassing the signals our body sends has become second nature. Slowing down to listen may be challenging, and even emotionally uncomfortable. However, the more you practice it the more safety you will create in yourself. 

If you want to push yourself further and take a proactive approach to facing the discomfort of sitting with yourself, you must lean into the resistance. 

Check out Part 2 (coming soon!) which covers the building blocks of trust and the ways we self-sabotage.

Photo by Marina Reich on Unsplash